Let's Get Real
Hi guys,
Okay so to say the very least, it's been a while. Almost 5 months to be exact! A lot has happened in the last 5 months, and I keep having this nagging feeling to let you all know what's been going on in my life. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want/need to get it out of my system and into the world (my small, blogging world that is). It's time to get real, and to be vulnerable. And this might be a long one, so buckle up!
I've been struggling so much to find inspiration and motivation lately to keep this blog going and it's been a mixture of a few different things. First of all, I was super busy around the holidays with work, that when I wasn't working, I didn't feel like doing anything at all (especially putting makeup on, picking out a new outfit I hadn't taken pictures in yet, and then taking said pictures)! Also, as you know, we live in Seattle, and during the winter it's tough to work around the constant rain and the fact that it gets dark at 4:30 pm. But there has also been something else going on.....
Back in the late summer/early fall, I had a big medical scare. I noticed I starting having some symptoms around June - pain in my abdomen (which isn't all that uncommon for me) and blood in my stool occasionally (which I blamed on other factors). But it wasn't happening every single day, so I kind of just put it out of my mind and went on with life. A few months later when it became more frequent (every day) and I had developed other symptoms, I started taking it more seriously. And also getting more scared. At first, I hid my symptoms from Andrew, because I didn't want him worrying about me, and honestly, I was trying not to freak myself out. But once it became an every day occurrence, I knew I had to let him in on what was going on. When I first told him, after a particularly bad day, we looked up the symptoms to see what it could possibly be. Of course, you all know that is literally the worst decision ever! For a few weeks, I was absolutely convinced that I had cancer, and truth be told, I think Andrew thought I did, too. We were both completely terrified.
At this point, I knew I had no choice but to go to the doctor! Getting into a regular doctor for a referral was going to take weeks, and then a few more weeks on top of that to get into the GI doctor. This only added to my worry and stress that I already had going on! When I finally got into the GI doctor, I learned that I would have to have a colonoscopy, which was the last thing I wanted to do and what I was afraid of. I won't go into the gory (and gross) details, but let's just say, preparing for the colonoscopy was one of the worst things I've ever had to do! The procedure itself wasn't bad, and I can honestly say it was the best sleep I got all year long! :) My doctor told us immediately after the procedure that it was definitely not cancer, so we were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief! However, there were a few more things that needed to be tested before we got my complete results back.
In the meantime, we took a much needed vacation to Las Vegas with my family. After having so much stress in the weeks prior, and having to go through the torture (dramatic, but that's how I felt) of the colonoscopy, a week of rest and relaxation was exactly what was needed!
After we returned from vacation, I was officially diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, which is a type of inflammatory bowel disease. After being diagnosed, I went through a period of "grieving" for myself. I know that sounds so selfish, because I know things could've been much worse and actually are much worse for other people, but this was something that I'd have to deal with for the rest of my life. I'm only 27 (going on 28) years old. I still have a lot of life left to live and it just depressed me that I'd always have this going on, because as of right now, there is no cure. Since being diagnosed, I have gone through periods of feeling depressed and lonely. I hate to even say lonely, because I literally have THE most supportive husband ever. He has been there right beside me at every single doctors appointment, he's held me when I cried and was in pain, and has given me pep talks and encouragement every step of the way. I mean lonely in the way that no one quite understands what I'm going through. I look healthy on the outside, but the inside is something completely different! The pain and nausea that I have sometimes is unbearable. There have been times that I've been so bloated that I literally look like I'm 6 months pregnant. I can't describe exactly how it makes me feel, I just know that about 85% of the time, I'm not feeling great.
I don't want this to sound like I'm just complaining. I do have a chronic illness, and yes, that completely sucks (for lack of a better word). But I am learning a lot throughout this process! I've learned that I need to take better care of myself - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I always try to be as strong as possible and power through even when I'm not feeling well. Because it's something that I'll have forever, I don't want to feel like I'm always making it an excuse. But I'm still learning that it's okay for me to be honest about how I'm feeling and to lean on my support system for help when I need it. I couldn't be more thankful for the support system that I have! As I mentioned above, my husband has been the most incredible partner through this (and always). He has been so sweet, loving, and helpful in times I needed it the most! It's hard being so far away from family, especially when going through an illness, but I'm so thankful that I have Andrew and our 2 fur babies here with me to always make me laugh and feel better! And of course, my family and all of Andrew's family have been so supportive and kind. They are always checking in on me and saying prayers for my continued health. I am so thankful to have such an amazing family supporting me!
Wow! If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading! This is something that I have been wanting to share for a while now. It's something that I could easily be embarrassed about, but I want to choose to spread awareness on this disease that I share with so many people in the world. There is still so much to learn about UC and research is being done to try to find a cure. I pray that there will be a cure for this in my lifetime, but as of right now, I pray that I am able to achieve ongoing remission. I have made it my goal for 2018 to work hard at understanding more about my disease. I want to figure out a diet and exercise plan that would work best for me. And I am looking into joining a local support group for others with UC.
I want to end this post on a positive note. In less than a week, Andrew and I will be celebrating our 3 year wedding anniversary! We are taking a weekend trip to Woodinville, WA to visit a few wineries (and my favorite, Chateau Ste. Michelle). I can't wait! And also, about a week or so ago, I got promoted at work. I am now the Assistant Department Manager in the TBD department at Nordstrom! I am so excited for this new opportunity and I'm looking forward to learning and growing more in my career this year. I'm so lucky to work for the best company and that I get to work alongside some of the most inspiring people that I've ever met! 2018 is looking up so far!
xoxo, L